Mo' lashes, mo' problems

The thing you need to understand about me is that I don't wear much too much makeup. My normal routine involves moisturizer, concealer, a little shadow and liner, and clear mascara. That's right, clear. It keeps my crazy curly eyebrows under control, gives my lashes a little oomph, and doesn't get smeared all over my face. So there you have it, not much color or excitement but just enough to pretend that I have a natural glow and defined lids and lashes.

Now imagine me at the MAC store in St. Louis with my friend, let's call her Beyonce, being overwhelmed and excited by all the glorious makeup and color that is everywhere. She stopped in to buy lashes for herself, our friend, and our friend's sisters and then asked me if I want to wear some fake lashes. I think my exact response was, "No way, it's just not in my nature," which should show you just how square I am.

Beyonce asked one more time, didn't wait for a response, and had the cashier add another set to her order. Just so you have a little background, I was back home for our friend's wedding where I would be one of the bridesmaids. And since I was around for some afternoon errands, Beyonce decided that I should also be part of the upcoming lash party on the wedding day. She said that our friend's wedding, of any day, would be the perfect opportunity to get truly dolled up. And just so you know, Beyonce is the type that thinks the word no is just a mere and temporary setback. So instead of arguing and pleading I told Beyonce that I would wear the eyelashes.

On the way out of the mall we walked back through Neiman Marcus where she found this mascara that her wedding day makeup artist had recommended. She was so overjoyed to have found it and so full of praise for the mascara that I found myself handing my credit card to the makeup counter lady so that I could try out this magical mascara for myself. Remember, I don't even wear black mascara so who in the world knows what I was thinking. Actually, I can tell you just what I was thinking..."oooh, lash curling mascara...that doesn't come off when you cry....that was recommended by a professional makeup artist...this is truly meant to be." I was ready to don my fake lashes for this St. Louis wedding and then don my overly-priced-but-worth-it-mascara back in San Francisco. Oh that Beyonce, she's so convincing.


The wedding day comes and I get dolled up and have one of the makeup helpers attach my falsies. The makeup helper used some weird little glue to attach the lashes and told me that they would just peel right off, that it feels a little weird but it's totally fine. So I believed her as any makeup novice would. These particular lashes were only for the corners, they looked way too long and way too fake...oh and I loved them. I felt like a fairy princess and I'm sure I looked ridiculous.

Well, Miss Beyonce took one look at my lashes and immediately directed me back to the makeup artist in charge to get them re-applied. I must admit that after careful inspection I too saw that the lashes were a bit crooked and needed some love and attention. The makeup artist, not the helper this time, re-glued, re-mascara'ed, and re-worked everything as best she could so I let the lashes go and went about the day, the night, and the glorious festivities.

Now I don't know if I peeled incorrectly, if my real lashes got stuck in the glue-mascara concoction, or if all the applying and re-applying did me dirty but somewhere in there I got a bald spot on my eyelids. And it is not cute. It's right in the middle of my lid so it looks like my eyelid has wings on either side and mascara only makes my lack of lashes even more obvious. Do you truly understand the cruelty of this tale? Basically I put on fake lashes, got my real ones pulled out, and happen to have in my possession mascara that is about 5 times my normal purchase price. Doesn't get any better than this, folks.

So here I am at home alone deciding whether or not I should trim my eyelashes. I googled it for an hour before deciding to go through with it...I mean what's the worst that could happen? OK don't answer that. Here's my before and after and yes, I realize that it's still uneven but if I get any closer I'm sure I'll poke out my eyeballs or possibly throw up. And in case you're wondering, I had to trim the bottom lashes too just to add insult to injury. Also, I sincerely apologize for the creepiness of these close-up eyeball images.

Gross-out and paranoia factor for this activity is at about 8 out of 10 so I highly recommend against trying this at home. Wish me luck with the regrowth...