Sweaty Gal Survival Guide

Oh dear me, I did it again. During my walk to work I realized that I totally forgot to put on deodorant. Seriously, how does that happen? I basically do the same song and dance every morning while getting ready for work, so how does one forget a fundamental like deodorant? I often joke about short term memory loss but it's moments like these that make me think the jokes are real.

The worst part about forgetting deodorant is that my fear of stinkiness is a self-fulfilling prophecy. I get nervous that I do/will smell bad, and so that makes me sweat, and then that makes me stinky. And the worst part about me is that, for some reason, I have these long periods of time where I forget to do very basic, yet significant, tasks.

Let me take you back to 6th grade. I was just beginning that super awkward phase, you know the one that starts around 11, plateaus for a bit, and doesn't end until you're around 22? Hmm, that didn't happen to you? Oh well, I guess it's just me. Anyway, around that time I was incredibly shy and didn't want to do anything, and I mean anything, to stand out. No eyes on me, no thank you. So you'd think that with me wanting to basically be wallpaper I would pay attention to details and not do anything to jeopardize my camouflage. Well, think again because mini-Jenelle constantly forgot to zip up her fly. Don't ask me why the button got fastened but the zipper didn't get pulled up because I can't tell you. Luckily, I had a dear friend who stayed on zipper patrol for all of 6th grade. Bless you CH wherever you may be, words cannot express my undying gratitude.

But with all my flubs and flops I have learned that PREPARATION is KING. So now I pre-plan, pre-worry, and overthink. I walk down the street and when no one's looking, I feel for my pants zipper. Is it locked in place? Is it closed up tight? Oh good, no XYZ here. Any time I enter my apartment I set my keys in the same place and even still I don't trust myself to remember them when I leave. So anytime I head out, I have this process where I pull the door mostly shut and before closing it fully, I begin to rummage through my bag to make sure that I have my keys. And just when I start panicking because I can't find them, I realize that they're right in my pocket (or better yet, still in my hand). Phew, ok now the door can truly be closed and I can leave in peace. Oh and just in case I do lock myself out, I have spare keys stationed all over this fine city. Let me tell you, the preparation pays off. With my zipper, key, lotion, hand sanitizer, and chapstick checks, I have avoided countless embarrassing, ashy, unsanitary, and costly situations.

And today it seems that my neurosis paid off once again. I may have spent my entire walk to work freaking out about stinky pits, but there was a faint glimmer of hope in my heart. My drawer at work is stocked with all the essentials, and if I've truly done my job then it's filled not only with snacks, tea, and cough medicine but also with things like a toothbrush and deodorant. I opened the drawer and to my delight, I realized that my preparation once again reigned supreme over my memory. I slapped on some spare deodorant and felt my pulse drop to a reasonable and more restful pace. Phew, another close call and another day saved from grips of the stink monster. All I can say is, you're welcome.